50 Shades of Fruit
by isaboeoflumatere
Summary: A riveting story about the antics Hogwarts staff and students get up to with fruit and vegetables...
1. Orange Passion

50 Shades of Fruit

Chapter One: Orange passion

He walked down the hall to the dungeon, his mind in turmoil. 'What is wrong with me?' He was thinking. 'Why do I have to be so in love with her? She never even notices me.' Ginny walked into the dungeon, suddenly her clothes blew away. His heart rate increased at the sight of her body. She was a carrot haired woman, but that kind of carrot wasn't what Snape wanted. He reached into the fridge and pulled out the one, the only one he had ever loved, carrot.

"Eat it you whore" he moaned to Ginny, his black robes swirled around him in anticipation. She slowly took the carrot and started to suck on the tip. It was so juicy and healthy, full of fibres and vitamin A. Snape reached into his pants and started to moan at the sight of the carrot the silky smooth orange-ness turned him on.

He knew it was forbidden. He knew it couldn't happen. But he so wanted it to. The forbidden-ness of his lust made it so much dirtier.

Ginny started to peel the carrot, all its shaving falling on her naked body, but Snape only had eyes for the carrot, its moist nutritious flesh glistening wet, begging for more. "Wingardium Leviosa" he said. The carrot shavings floated around Ginny, encompassing her in a whirlwind of orange. Swirling and twirling and swirling and forming the letters S-E-X.

Snape couldn't take it anymore He ripped his clothes off and revealed his washboard abs; his monstrous wand was sticking out. He pushed Ginny aside and grabbed the carrot. It was so dirty. He was unsure how to do it. He pulled it close, his veins were throbbing. He looked into the grooves of the carrot, and stuck it in his mouth

"You dirty slut, I bet you taste great in a stir fry" he moaned seductively into its groove. Pure ecstasy was what he felt. He could never remember feeling this way his blood rushed through his veins. "What about me?" shrieked Ginny. "Fek u hore" Snape shouted. The thought of carrot in a spring roll made him, if possible, even harder. "Do you evn lift?" he moaned.

He could sense the longing in the carrot almost as much as his own longing he sniffed it, taking in the lush, earthy smell. It smelt like hope and slut saliva. He studied it's every surface; he rubbed his sexy, greasy nose all over it and then licked it until his tongue could lick no more. His nose hooked around the carrot, bringing it closer to his gaping mouth. Ever ready for the taste, the sweet, luxurious taste.

His teeth scraped along the skin. The carrot was begging for it, he knew it. He wanted to prolong this moment, inhaling the sweet aroma of a turned on carrot. He knew he could get better eyesight through the consumption of vitamin A, and that made him hornier. He wanted the carrot. He needed the carrot, more than air. He wanted the spectacular vision.

He inhaled its very essence into his soul. He forgot about Lily, everything was carrot to him, it possessed his being, all thoughts were of carrot. He couldn't take it any longer. He jizzed all over the carrot repeatedly. It was speckled in white. He knew that this would be the best moment in his life, this perfect feeling could never be topped. He rubbed his semen into the grooves of the carrot. Ginny crawled over and tried to get some but he pushed her away. His semen was for the carrot and the carrot alone.


	2. The Forbidden Fruit

Fifty Shades of Fruit

Chapter 2: The Forbidden Fruit

Suddenly, Umbridge walked into the room. She took in the scene before her eyes, her fat bottom squeezing through the doorway when she saw Ginny naked on Snape's floor. He was lying with a carrot in his bed, jizz everywhere. Her eyebrows arched slightly in surprise. Slowly she unbuttoned her cardigan. Then, in the open fridge, she saw A PLUM

'NO!' she thought, 'my only weakness!' She was irresistibly drawn to the plum, she ripped her pink attire off while Snape watched, her hand reaching out instinctively. She didn't care that Snape and Ginny were watching, she was just drawn to the plum. Her pink skirt fell down below her knees. She grabbed the plum and squirted the flesh all over her saggy breasts. She embraced the freedom of moist fruit flesh on her wrinkly boobs the feeling of joy the moist pulp gave her made her feel tingly all over.

She had never been touched by a fruit this way before. Her lady parts quivered with excitement. She could feel her inner goddess rejoice. She jumped onto the bed with Snape and started to suck the plum. She felt the warm sunrise of Ketut on her flesh. "Oh plum" she moaned "kiss me." She engulfed the fruit, sucking the juices and slobbering all over it. Ginny watched dumbfounded. Snape couldn't stop staring. The fruit became her.

Sucking the bitch out of her and filling her with sweet succulent flavour. "Ooohhh dear fudge" she moaned. She spread the pulpy mess of the plum all over her body and rubbed it seductively into her pores like a masseuse, a sexually hyped masseuse. It felt so good on her hot and bothered skin

She recalled Filch touching her and knew that he couldn't compare to the genteel touch of the plum. Not even the tongue of Mrs Norris could compare. Not even Peeves could compare to the lust emanating from her from the result of the plum. The sweet smell reminded her of Mafalda Hopkirk and how they used to do each other in the Ministry of Magic fountain after getting drunk on firewhiskey. She remembered the feel of her fingers and the feel of the metal statues.

But the new sensation of pulp on her skin was bliss. She thought of the centaurs and their gangbang in the forest. The orgy of hooves and tails, it was overwhelming. She shook as she squeezed the plum with her thighs, her breaths becoming more rapid, and her heart rate erratic. It overwhelmed her inner goddess. The pleasure mounted in her. She couldn't take it anymore.

Her voice came out in squeals and she was a drippy sticky mess of plum and ecstasy. Snape, Ginny and Umbridge were all caught up in their own personal worlds

They didn't even notice the eyes looking through the dungeon door.

Those piercing blue eyes.

Hidden behind half moon spectacles.

Dumbledore had come to join in the fun.


	3. Nitwit, Blubber, Oddment, SEX

Fifty Shades of Fruit

Chapter 3: Nitwit, Blubber, Oddment, _SEX_

Dumbledore put his hands into his robes and started rubbing his wand. 'Soon,' he thought. He walked in and ripped his robes off, his wrinkly old body quivering in excitement and his wand hard and warty. He looked at Ginny and picked her up and threw her onto the sofa. "Are you ready for some magic babe?" He groaned. "Yes Professor!" she cried in excitement. The sexual tension in the room was already enough to make her dripping. Her body tensed in anticipation. Snape looked on while Umbridge still was caught up with the plum.

Dumbledore's flaps of wrinkly skin rubbed vigorously against her soft skin as he began the sexual journey. 'The journey is more important than the outcome' Ginny thought. She would write an essay on it later. This would be perfect text to analyse, but for the time being her body was awash with pleasure.

Snape looked on with a twinge of jealousy. Although having the carrot, he still thought Dumbledore was his.

For a man of 150, give or take a few years, his moves were rapid and smooth, he brought about crests of pleasure swirling and combining in Ginny's lady parts.

Snape was green with envy. He remembered lovely nights where he and Dumbledore would do it in his office while Fawkes watched. He was always turned on by the fact that Fawkes was watching. He saw Ginny's expression of pure joy and was dismayed to think that it wasn't him. Dumbledore had always been good. He had always known what he wanted and needed. He was so magical and could read him like a book. He remembered that one type he used his elder wand as anal beads...

Ginny shook and screamed. She had finished so quickly but Dumbledore wasn't done. He pulled out and jizzed on Umbridge. She looked up in shock, she was sticky with her face smeared with plum and Dumbledore's aged semen.

"I WILL HAVE ORDER" she shrieked as she wiped her face on his beard. She then knelt down and ripped his pubic hair out with her teeth. "YOU BITCH!" He yelled as he screamed in pain, but secretly, he enjoyed it. He loved the feeling of pain, especially from Umbridge. The tingle of hairs parting with his balls was overwhelming. He moaned.

"Eat my pubes" He bellowed. "Eat them like the dirty girl you are. Bite me hard," he moaned. Umbridge grabbed a handful and pulled it out one by one. Dumbledore enjoyed every searing moment of pain. She slowly slurped it like spaghetti, it was delicious. It tasted like elf saliva. What was elf saliva doing on his balls?

"Dobby!" she shrieked.


	4. An Elf's Work Is Never Done

Fifty Shades of Fruit

Chapter 4: An Elf's Work Is Never Done.

Dobby apparated in front of them, as he was called by a teacher. He took in the sight before him, his mouth open in surprise. "Do me with your elf penis, Dobby" Snape moaned. He wanted to make Dumbledore jealous. Dobby strode up to him, throwing his pillowcase away, slightly apprehensive, but at the same time, he was terribly excited. He walked over to where the man was slumped on the bed that had miraculously appeared in the dungeon. He still clutched the carrot in his hand.

"What would master like?" He inquired. "Surprise me you skank" Snape replied. Dobby pulled down his pants and revealed his monstrous elf penis. It was the size of a tree trunk! Snape quivered with pleasure. Dobby walked over, stroking his tree trunk in preparation. Snape turned around and prepared his anus. Dobby pulled his best sexy face. It aroused Snape so much with its sexiness

Dobby drew closer, his tip tickling Snape's buttocks. He drew a smiley face, and then slowly inserted. Snape cried out in joy, it felt so tight, so nice and hard. Dobby made him forget all about Dumbledore. He was no longer aware of anyone. It was just him, Dobby and his monstrous love machine. Dobby slammed into him so hard that his forehead hit the wall. Snape savoured the pain.

As he rocked back and forth with the elf behind him, his long greasy hair swung around his ears, keeping in time with the long rhythmic thrusts of Dobby. The pleasure he felt consumed him. It was almost as if a bubble of euphoria was ballooning inside of him, occasionally leading to the brief moans escaping his lips. He knew this was his destiny, always.

He forgot about Lily and carrot and Ginny. He never knew Dobby was such a good lover. Suddenly he shook he came all over the bed. Dobby wasn't finished "there are no brakes on the Dobby train," he squeaked. Dobby clicked his fingers and a passionfruit appeared. He took a bite from the passionfruit and then finished onto it.

"Dobby must go. Master Malfoy is calling me. He wants sex." Dobby said.

He then apparated. Snape longingly clutched the passionfruit to him, crooning to it with joy.

Dumbledore cried out in jealousy and he stormed out of the room. Snape's sighs of pleasure followed him; they haunted him, echoing around his head.


	5. Couch Potatoes

Fifty Shades of Fruit

Chapter 5: Couch Potatoes

Dumbledore huffed into his office. He turned to Fawkes for comfort. "You'll still do me right Fawkes. MINERVA!" He called. Professor McGonagall walked in. "What is it professor?" She asked. "I need you Minerva. I need you now" he whispered sexily. She took off her glasses. She took off her hat and let her hair out of her bun. She looked him squarely in the eye. Dumbledore used 'Clothus Removus' on her.

"You wanna bang?" Dumbledore asked. "Let's do it!" She cried. "I want to suck your bellybutton Albus." Dumbledore turned into the prowling tiger he became when aroused. He lay down on a couch in his office. Minerva accio-ed some firewhiskey and opened the bottle. She dripped some down her saggy boobs. She gained pleasure from the intense burning sensation. It made her feel alive.

She remembered nailing Aberforth in the hogs head and having a threeway with one of his goats. Hopefully Albus was just as kinky. She remembered the goat's nose felt so good on her body. She transfigured Dumbledore's nose into a goat nose. "NUZZLE ME ALBUS!" She cried. "ALL OVER MY BODY!" She soft fur made her wet.

She poured some firewhiskey into his belly button and drank it all up. She then got a potato and shoved it in his bellybutton. She then straddled Dumbledore's body "Dumbledore," she moaned, "we aren't making much profit." She squealed. "We should sell Umbridge to the centaurs. They were so impressed by her sexual deviance, just give her some plums and she'll be happy." "K" moaned Dumbledore "We all know she'd be happier there."

He took the potato and shoved it up Minerva's lady parts. "Now shut up and kiss me" Dumbledore cried. She could feel wedges being made inside her. "Oooooooooh" she squealed. "It feels so good." They made out, their wrinkly faces locking and twisting, his tongue deep down her throat.

Her pleasure mounted. McGonagall got another potato and placed it between Dumbledore's man boobs. She rubbed his man boob nipples sensually and tickled his nipple hairs. She moved the potato up and down.

"You like that don't you, you dirty old man!"Minerva cried. Dumbledore moaned in pleasure. He took the potato and ate it raw. "YOLO" he squealed. He suddenly put a kilt on McGonagall and said "can I put my loch ness in your lake baby?" "Aye," she moaned. She played the bagpipes while they did it very loudly. She composed a new song.

All the portraits of headmasters were watching. One of them was even videotaping and instagram-ing it. Phineas Nigellus was getting horny. He moved into his other portrait found Mrs Black. The fat lady walked in and started to do Armando Dippet, her screams were failing to break the glass but were loud nonetheless. Suddenly Harry walked in on the mass wizard orgy.

"Errr... you called for me professor?"


	6. Fuzzy Feelings

Fifty Shades of Fruit

Chapter 6: Fuzzy Feelings

Harry was unsure of where to look. "Join us Harry! It's essential to defeat Voldemort!" Dumbledore said. Why did this have to happen every time he walked into Dumbledore's office? He thought. He slowly took his robes off and pushed McGonagall off Dumbledore's dick. "Now show me why they call you the chosen one Harry" said Dumbledore as he smacked Harry's ass. He felt his cheeks redden, both kinds.

Dumbledore took Harry's glasses off and place them on his bum. "I like it when you look at me when I spank you Harry" he said. Suddenly, Harry felt something on his butt. Dumbledore was biting his bum! It was so erotic. His cheeks quivered in excitement. He recalled being bitten like this only once, by Cedric during the Triwizard Tournament before he died last year.

Harry still touched himself in his memory, and another time... he wasn't even sure if it was real... It was with a magic kiwi fruit. He remembered the rapid growth of teeth from the humble fruit and the sharp but pleasant sensation of the tiny little teeth on his posterior. He remembered that one time he and kiwi were in the prefects bathroom and moaning myrtle watched gleefully.

The tiny bites sent erotic jolts up his spine and to the very tips of his fingers. He loved doing it dirty while being watched. Just the fact that at the current moment him and Dumbledore were fucking while being watched by portraits of past headmasters made his ass hair stand up.

He thought of kiwi. Kiwi was different, with its soft hairy flesh. It was so rare and expensive at Coles, which made it sexier. He recalled the sweet feel on his bare buttocks, the short bristles on his scrotum. Rubbing, scratching. The tangy juice in his asshole. So invigorating. The little black seeds littering his anus and getting caught in his ball hair. The memories were becoming too much.

Harry jizzed onto Dumbledore's desk. He groaned loudly.

"I haven't even started yet" whispered Dumbledore seductively into his ear. Surprisingly, along with the outburst of semen, memories also burst out. The memories gathered into the pensieve on Dumbledore's desk. Dumbledore planned on watching them later so that he could wank off. A brief image of Kiwi appeared.

Dumbledore never knew Harry was so excited by kiwis; he flashed a mischievous smile at Harry. Dumbledore knew he could have a lot of fun with him. He accio-ed a kiwi from the kitchen. It flew into his sweaty hands. Harry felt his heart rate increasing. "Let the party begin" he moaned.


	7. Ménage à Kiwi

Fifty Shades of Fruit

Chapter 7: Ménage à Kiwi

He grabbed the kiwi and ripped it open sensually with his teeth. Dumbledore rubbed his hardened cock with the kiwi to lubricate it. It was party teim. Harry bent Dumbledore over a table. McGonagall conjured party hats and walked over to Harry, Dumbledore and Kiwi. McGonagall wanted to watch. She sat down on the chair and observed. Harry just got harder thinking that he was being watched.

Dumbledore kissed Harry's youthful back and inserted his wand. His wrinkly saggy testicles jutting against Harry's butt cheeks. It was so vivid and rapid. His breath came in short spurts. The sensation was so new o Harry but felt so right. He grabbed the kiwi and rubbed it all over himself. The soft black seeds cleansing his pores.

McGonagall came and licked off all of the juices, her tongue swirling around his nipples. She bit his nipple in glee. 10 points to Gryffindor she moaned. Harry felt some of the kiwi juice seep into the cut, stinging but so nice he savoured the feeling. He enjoyed pain. McGonagall accio-ed a box of her ginger newts. "Have biscuit Potter" she moaned. He took one in his mouth while Dumbledore had the other half, their mouths moving slowly together like in _Lady and the Tramp_.

The biscuit joined their lips together. Dumbledore and Harry were locked a tender embrace. This felt right, Harry thought. Their penises were clashing together and hugging as well. Harry was cherishing this moment, trying to lock every single part into his memory. Suddenly, Dumbledore jizzed, spraying Harry's entire body. His semen squirted all over Harry, the kiwi, McGonagall and her biscuits

She picked one up and ate it. It tasted even more delicious, and reminded her of a sherbet lemon. McGonagall conjured a slurpee cup and put all the semen kiwi and biscuit mixture in it. She conjured straws so all of them could taste it. They all greedily slurped the mixture, marvelling at the wondrous taste old man semen, kiwi and ginger newt could make. Meanwhile, in another part of the castle, Filch was prowling the halls when he caught the scent of something delicious. Something fresh and wonderful. It was the amorous scent of a strawberry.


	8. Strawberry Squibcake

Fifty Shades of Fruit

Chapter Eight: Strawberry Squibcake

The scent was intoxicating, more intoxicating then Mrs Norris on heat. He let the smell pull him to the Hogwarts kitchens. He ticked the pear on the door and went inside. The smell of all the fresh strawberries made Filch's wand extremely hard. The elves were making strawberry tarts. They were all rushing around; extremely busy not noticing him at the door.

Filch glided towards a big bowl of strawberries as if in an ethereal dream. He absorbed the smell, the very essence, into his heart. His wand was so hard it made a dent in the drawer. He took the bowl and rushed to a cupboard.

He opened the door and saw Winky masturbating with a bottle of butterbeer. He pushed her out and entered the cupboard cradling the bowl. She kept on masturbating. The elves were watching but she didn't even care. She was too caught up in the rhythms of her climax. She was too pleased, As if an ugly old squib had not pushed her out while she was inserting butterbeer into her vagina.

'Oooooh.' She squeaked. She thought of Mr Crouch, it made her even hornier. Her master used to whip her. She loved the feeling of pain. Instead of S&M she enjoyed W&E i.e. wizard and elf. She used her elf magic to conjure a banana. No ordinary banana, it was alive. It slowly peeled itself and started to whip her with its long, yellow peels.

Winky's elf nipples hardened and her elf parts quivered. Every strike was bliss for Winky. The banana felt so good. She took it in her hands and shoved it in her mouth, the peels still whipping her, she delicately licked the banana, sensing the banana felt as turned on as her

Meanwhile

Filch could smell the sweet delicious scent. He felt aroused by the very external seeds of strawberries against his skin. He savoured the fact that strawberries have external seeds due to better germination in harsher climates. He enjoyed the botanical information

He became hard at the thought of strawberries inside him. He remembered that time when he wikipedia-ed strawberries and wanked off to the information. He became hard at the thought of strawberries inside him. He could hear Winky's little elf moans from outside of the cupboard, turning him on even more. 'YOLO' he thought. He took a strawberry and inserted it into his ass.

Then he inserted another.

And another.

And another.

AND ANOTHER!

The seeds were rubbing the walls in his butt. Massaging his inside. It felt so good. His inner squib moaned. He rubbed his butt up against the wall of the cupboard, the harsh wood rubbing his ass. The strawberries belonged in his anus. His penis was rock hard, a rare occurrence in his old age. He took another 6 strawberries and rubbed them against the tip of his penis.

He remembered having sex with Peeves in a broom cupboard once. He said he hated him, but actually, he adored him. Peeves kept making fart noises but it was hot and smelly and he liked it that way. He thought of the feeling of the transparent penis. Filch had Gotten around the grounds of Hogwarts. His love for spectral sex was well known among Hogwarts inhabitants. His favourite was Professor Binns.

He loved the droning on about history while he had the professor bent over a table. As ever, he persevered in his lectures about goblin wars, the fact that he was getting nailed in the ass by a hairy squib penis didn't stop him. Goblin wars made Filch horny. He had fantasies about Uric the Oddball and Emeric the Evil. Sexy goblin threesomes turned him on. Filch couldn't contain himself any more, he jizzed explosively. He finished all over the strawberries. He took some of his jizz and drew a picture of a strawberry on the cupboard.

Then he put them back in the bowl. In the hopes that the elves wouldn't notice and would make a tart out of it anyway. He hobbled out of the cupboard, his body still shaking with pleasure, his back pain gone due to his release of oxytocins. He walked past Winky with her butterbeer and banana. He luld.

"Lul."

"Luuuuul."

And walked out of the kitchen. He turned to close the door to the kitchen. That was when he saw someone else in the picture of the fruit bowl.

Someone he really didn't expect would be there...

It was,

The Fat Lady from Gryffindor Tower!1!111!

Author's note: Happy Christmas everyone! Extra long chapter to make up for not posting for a while


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